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Random and Busy and Weird

I'm thinking about canceling our home phone (land line) to save $50 per month. This prospect worries me a bit because I like the idea that my kid could call 911 if I had a stroke or something. This, folks, is called "free-floating anxiety."

I am thinking about showing up for the Fleet Feet 10k training that starts tonight. I doubt I will because I have fear.

I have this sensation that I'm late. I can't shake it. It's a dread and an anxiety, like I'm barely treading water and not where I'm supposed to be. Like I'm not doing well enough. Like I'm not making it. I am trying to simply observe this and not read a lot of meaning into it because if I do I'll probably make myself feel worse. I'm just looking at it from over here, observing my mental hamster running on my mental wheel. Get off the wheel, jackass.

I want to come back to these things, when I have more time:
http://www.simplicityparenting.com/category/beginning-to-simplify/
http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/fruit-nut-chewy-bars-50400000109253/

I want to learn how to make my own yogurt, and I want to learn more about propagating cana lilies.

I want to make these (http://www.prudentbaby.com/2011/04/how-to-make-beautiful-dress-up-wings.html) for Asher, and a bigger pair for myself. This is a longshot.

And this is rad: http://theforestroom.blogspot.com/2011/04/lets-make-handpainted-window-star.html#comment-form

And this too, but I think I could improve on this: http://www.thatartistwoman.org/2010/03/woven-tree-wall-hanging.html

I don't get it. Such a mix of joyful stretching and striving and fun and negative self-talk.

Comments

( 11 comments — Leave a comment )
misterjustin
May. 18th, 2011 06:01 pm (UTC)
In the hope that it helps - you can still dial 911 from a land line even if you don't have service. We're cancelling ours this month and will keep a wired land lane in the house just in case.
tshuma
May. 18th, 2011 06:10 pm (UTC)
Yes, I was just going to say this. They are required to enable 911 on any residential phone. Actually, I think any phone. Even my senior project android phones that have no cell plan have the ability to call 911.

Edited at 2011-05-18 06:27 pm (UTC)
sarabellae
May. 19th, 2011 03:48 am (UTC)
It does. I didn't know that. Thanks.
tshuma
May. 18th, 2011 06:25 pm (UTC)
just some things
You are enough.
You have enough.
Your children have more than enough--they have abundance.

This next part may seem a bit too helpy, feel free to ignore it:
Sometimes when I'm feeling like this I picture myself as a tiny bird, frantically fluttering my wings in short bursts. When this happens, it helps me to sort of picture myself in a pair of hands cupped into a bowl, not trapped but supported and sheltered. The hands sometimes belong to specific people (B, Ammy, you, etc.) and sometimes they are just sort of made up of everyone who has ever said they loved me. This both gives me a safe place to bring the anxiety forward, into my conscious mind, and a place I can breathe into, releasing the anxiety with my breath out.

I'm sorry you're experiencing so much negative self-judgement. You deserve to hear all the positive bits from yourself, too.

Edited at 2011-05-18 06:26 pm (UTC)
sarabellae
May. 19th, 2011 03:50 am (UTC)
Re: just some things
Thanks, dear. No, it's not too helpy. I like your image. I'll see if I can conjure that for myself. I am amazed at the mood swings I have. Love you. xxo
kittiliscious
May. 23rd, 2011 06:30 pm (UTC)
Re: just some things
Tshuma, that is lovely.

Edited at 2011-05-23 08:17 pm (UTC)
misterjustin
May. 18th, 2011 08:02 pm (UTC)
With a moment to breathe I also wanted to chime and let you know you're not alone. I talk to Monica about these feelings all the time. We both have them.

As a work-from-home dad now I have them more often, and more strongly, than I used to. Of course I'm late! Think of all of the things I could be doing!

I could be working at any hour of the day. Of course then I'm not taking care of Shaemus.

I could take play with Shaemus and roll about on the floor with him. Of course then I'm not working.

I could clean the house or get dinner prepped. Of course I need to do this will Shaemus is napping or it takes time away from him. But if Shaemus is napping I should probably be working.

I could be in the garage helping my crew get orders out. Of course they don't need my help and they're paid to do the work - but what if they resent me for not being out there?

I could also spend time with Monica but really I should try to stay out of her way so she can get work done. She also needs time with Shaemus. I have him all day. Of course I'm jealous when she has him and I need to be working or making dinner.

I could... go on, and on, and on.

Instead I have a list of the things I actually need to get done. I use a highlighter to mark off the things I have done so I can still see them. Ah, look at what I've done!

The list doesn't include dinner or Shaemus time because that's a given. If I clean the bathroom and it's not on the list - I *ADD IT TO THE LIST* and then highlight it.

This trick works for me. Right now 50% of my work related list is marked off. Most of what's left I can remind myself isn't critical.

It helps a lot. But not as much as talking to my wife regularly about the sensation of drowning does. Being able to reassure each other that we're happy with our arrangement, not feeling neglected and otherwise have a totally fucking awesome life is a great help.
sarabellae
May. 19th, 2011 03:58 am (UTC)
Yep. The routine and feelings you describe are very familiar. I've been doing exactly this for almost 8 years now. Sorry to say it, but although about 3 years from now it will get easier in some ways, it will also get harder in others.

Nonetheless, there are a ton of positives to this work-from-home-with-kids arrangement, which I am not able to list right now.

One of the negatives is that it's very easy to lose perspective. I think that's what I was trying to say in this post. I have conflicting notions of how well I am doing/coping/succeeding at any given moment. Sometimes the wave washes me into the "I rock" category, sometimes into the "I fail" category. Some days, it's back and forth, with many dips into both pools.

dakini_grl
May. 19th, 2011 02:04 am (UTC)
There's a Peter Gabriel song called "My Head Sounds Like That," and this post reminds me of it. I guess I just want to tell you you're not alone, and I marvel at how parallel logics can exist and roll and tumble and drive thing in us. Weird and amazing, indeed.

It's nice to hear from you, whenever you write, and wherever you do it. I feel less like I'm on an island. I'm listening. =)

Love you.
sarabellae
May. 19th, 2011 04:08 am (UTC)
Love you, too. Sometimes I don't know where to *responsibly" put my feelings. I live intertwined with these three amazing and fragile beings and don't want to unload on them (though sometimes I do). Public me/private me/intimate me/real me/successful me/damaged me/striving me/failed me. It's all me. Thank you for seeing me. Thanks for reading. xoxox
mrplanet4
May. 19th, 2011 06:08 am (UTC)
I know that feeling! Holy mackerel it's so pervasive...

I don't have a fix, but I do have sympathy.
( 11 comments — Leave a comment )

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