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Random and Busy and Weird

I'm thinking about canceling our home phone (land line) to save $50 per month. This prospect worries me a bit because I like the idea that my kid could call 911 if I had a stroke or something. This, folks, is called "free-floating anxiety."

I am thinking about showing up for the Fleet Feet 10k training that starts tonight. I doubt I will because I have fear.

I have this sensation that I'm late. I can't shake it. It's a dread and an anxiety, like I'm barely treading water and not where I'm supposed to be. Like I'm not doing well enough. Like I'm not making it. I am trying to simply observe this and not read a lot of meaning into it because if I do I'll probably make myself feel worse. I'm just looking at it from over here, observing my mental hamster running on my mental wheel. Get off the wheel, jackass.

I want to come back to these things, when I have more time:

I want to learn how to make my own yogurt, and I want to learn more about propagating cana lilies.

I want to make these (http://www.prudentbaby.com/2011/04/how-to-make-beautiful-dress-up-wings.html) for Asher, and a bigger pair for myself. This is a longshot.

And this is rad: http://theforestroom.blogspot.com/2011/04/lets-make-handpainted-window-star.html#comment-form

And this too, but I think I could improve on this: http://www.thatartistwoman.org/2010/03/woven-tree-wall-hanging.html

I don't get it. Such a mix of joyful stretching and striving and fun and negative self-talk.


May. 18th, 2011 06:25 pm (UTC)
just some things
You are enough.
You have enough.
Your children have more than enough--they have abundance.

This next part may seem a bit too helpy, feel free to ignore it:
Sometimes when I'm feeling like this I picture myself as a tiny bird, frantically fluttering my wings in short bursts. When this happens, it helps me to sort of picture myself in a pair of hands cupped into a bowl, not trapped but supported and sheltered. The hands sometimes belong to specific people (B, Ammy, you, etc.) and sometimes they are just sort of made up of everyone who has ever said they loved me. This both gives me a safe place to bring the anxiety forward, into my conscious mind, and a place I can breathe into, releasing the anxiety with my breath out.

I'm sorry you're experiencing so much negative self-judgement. You deserve to hear all the positive bits from yourself, too.

Edited at 2011-05-18 06:26 pm (UTC)
May. 19th, 2011 03:50 am (UTC)
Re: just some things
Thanks, dear. No, it's not too helpy. I like your image. I'll see if I can conjure that for myself. I am amazed at the mood swings I have. Love you. xxo
May. 23rd, 2011 06:30 pm (UTC)
Re: just some things
Tshuma, that is lovely.

Edited at 2011-05-23 08:17 pm (UTC)


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