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Random and Busy and Weird

I'm thinking about canceling our home phone (land line) to save $50 per month. This prospect worries me a bit because I like the idea that my kid could call 911 if I had a stroke or something. This, folks, is called "free-floating anxiety."

I am thinking about showing up for the Fleet Feet 10k training that starts tonight. I doubt I will because I have fear.

I have this sensation that I'm late. I can't shake it. It's a dread and an anxiety, like I'm barely treading water and not where I'm supposed to be. Like I'm not doing well enough. Like I'm not making it. I am trying to simply observe this and not read a lot of meaning into it because if I do I'll probably make myself feel worse. I'm just looking at it from over here, observing my mental hamster running on my mental wheel. Get off the wheel, jackass.

I want to come back to these things, when I have more time:

I want to learn how to make my own yogurt, and I want to learn more about propagating cana lilies.

I want to make these (http://www.prudentbaby.com/2011/04/how-to-make-beautiful-dress-up-wings.html) for Asher, and a bigger pair for myself. This is a longshot.

And this is rad: http://theforestroom.blogspot.com/2011/04/lets-make-handpainted-window-star.html#comment-form

And this too, but I think I could improve on this: http://www.thatartistwoman.org/2010/03/woven-tree-wall-hanging.html

I don't get it. Such a mix of joyful stretching and striving and fun and negative self-talk.


May. 18th, 2011 08:02 pm (UTC)
With a moment to breathe I also wanted to chime and let you know you're not alone. I talk to Monica about these feelings all the time. We both have them.

As a work-from-home dad now I have them more often, and more strongly, than I used to. Of course I'm late! Think of all of the things I could be doing!

I could be working at any hour of the day. Of course then I'm not taking care of Shaemus.

I could take play with Shaemus and roll about on the floor with him. Of course then I'm not working.

I could clean the house or get dinner prepped. Of course I need to do this will Shaemus is napping or it takes time away from him. But if Shaemus is napping I should probably be working.

I could be in the garage helping my crew get orders out. Of course they don't need my help and they're paid to do the work - but what if they resent me for not being out there?

I could also spend time with Monica but really I should try to stay out of her way so she can get work done. She also needs time with Shaemus. I have him all day. Of course I'm jealous when she has him and I need to be working or making dinner.

I could... go on, and on, and on.

Instead I have a list of the things I actually need to get done. I use a highlighter to mark off the things I have done so I can still see them. Ah, look at what I've done!

The list doesn't include dinner or Shaemus time because that's a given. If I clean the bathroom and it's not on the list - I *ADD IT TO THE LIST* and then highlight it.

This trick works for me. Right now 50% of my work related list is marked off. Most of what's left I can remind myself isn't critical.

It helps a lot. But not as much as talking to my wife regularly about the sensation of drowning does. Being able to reassure each other that we're happy with our arrangement, not feeling neglected and otherwise have a totally fucking awesome life is a great help.
May. 19th, 2011 03:58 am (UTC)
Yep. The routine and feelings you describe are very familiar. I've been doing exactly this for almost 8 years now. Sorry to say it, but although about 3 years from now it will get easier in some ways, it will also get harder in others.

Nonetheless, there are a ton of positives to this work-from-home-with-kids arrangement, which I am not able to list right now.

One of the negatives is that it's very easy to lose perspective. I think that's what I was trying to say in this post. I have conflicting notions of how well I am doing/coping/succeeding at any given moment. Sometimes the wave washes me into the "I rock" category, sometimes into the "I fail" category. Some days, it's back and forth, with many dips into both pools.


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