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Random and Busy and Weird

I'm thinking about canceling our home phone (land line) to save $50 per month. This prospect worries me a bit because I like the idea that my kid could call 911 if I had a stroke or something. This, folks, is called "free-floating anxiety."

I am thinking about showing up for the Fleet Feet 10k training that starts tonight. I doubt I will because I have fear.

I have this sensation that I'm late. I can't shake it. It's a dread and an anxiety, like I'm barely treading water and not where I'm supposed to be. Like I'm not doing well enough. Like I'm not making it. I am trying to simply observe this and not read a lot of meaning into it because if I do I'll probably make myself feel worse. I'm just looking at it from over here, observing my mental hamster running on my mental wheel. Get off the wheel, jackass.

I want to come back to these things, when I have more time:
http://www.simplicityparenting.com/category/beginning-to-simplify/
http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/fruit-nut-chewy-bars-50400000109253/

I want to learn how to make my own yogurt, and I want to learn more about propagating cana lilies.

I want to make these (http://www.prudentbaby.com/2011/04/how-to-make-beautiful-dress-up-wings.html) for Asher, and a bigger pair for myself. This is a longshot.

And this is rad: http://theforestroom.blogspot.com/2011/04/lets-make-handpainted-window-star.html#comment-form

And this too, but I think I could improve on this: http://www.thatartistwoman.org/2010/03/woven-tree-wall-hanging.html

I don't get it. Such a mix of joyful stretching and striving and fun and negative self-talk.

Comments

dakini_grl
May. 19th, 2011 02:04 am (UTC)
There's a Peter Gabriel song called "My Head Sounds Like That," and this post reminds me of it. I guess I just want to tell you you're not alone, and I marvel at how parallel logics can exist and roll and tumble and drive thing in us. Weird and amazing, indeed.

It's nice to hear from you, whenever you write, and wherever you do it. I feel less like I'm on an island. I'm listening. =)

Love you.
sarabellae
May. 19th, 2011 04:08 am (UTC)
Love you, too. Sometimes I don't know where to *responsibly" put my feelings. I live intertwined with these three amazing and fragile beings and don't want to unload on them (though sometimes I do). Public me/private me/intimate me/real me/successful me/damaged me/striving me/failed me. It's all me. Thank you for seeing me. Thanks for reading. xoxox

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