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Random and Busy and Weird

I'm thinking about canceling our home phone (land line) to save $50 per month. This prospect worries me a bit because I like the idea that my kid could call 911 if I had a stroke or something. This, folks, is called "free-floating anxiety."

I am thinking about showing up for the Fleet Feet 10k training that starts tonight. I doubt I will because I have fear.

I have this sensation that I'm late. I can't shake it. It's a dread and an anxiety, like I'm barely treading water and not where I'm supposed to be. Like I'm not doing well enough. Like I'm not making it. I am trying to simply observe this and not read a lot of meaning into it because if I do I'll probably make myself feel worse. I'm just looking at it from over here, observing my mental hamster running on my mental wheel. Get off the wheel, jackass.

I want to come back to these things, when I have more time:

I want to learn how to make my own yogurt, and I want to learn more about propagating cana lilies.

I want to make these (http://www.prudentbaby.com/2011/04/how-to-make-beautiful-dress-up-wings.html) for Asher, and a bigger pair for myself. This is a longshot.

And this is rad: http://theforestroom.blogspot.com/2011/04/lets-make-handpainted-window-star.html#comment-form

And this too, but I think I could improve on this: http://www.thatartistwoman.org/2010/03/woven-tree-wall-hanging.html

I don't get it. Such a mix of joyful stretching and striving and fun and negative self-talk.


May. 19th, 2011 03:58 am (UTC)
Yep. The routine and feelings you describe are very familiar. I've been doing exactly this for almost 8 years now. Sorry to say it, but although about 3 years from now it will get easier in some ways, it will also get harder in others.

Nonetheless, there are a ton of positives to this work-from-home-with-kids arrangement, which I am not able to list right now.

One of the negatives is that it's very easy to lose perspective. I think that's what I was trying to say in this post. I have conflicting notions of how well I am doing/coping/succeeding at any given moment. Sometimes the wave washes me into the "I rock" category, sometimes into the "I fail" category. Some days, it's back and forth, with many dips into both pools.


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